Came To My Senses

I GAINED FIVE POUNDS IN A WEEK!!!  I am up Eleven Pounds in the past 3 months!  For the past 5 months I thought I could figure out the food on my own.  I actually believed I needed to figure it out on my own.  I convinced myself solving the food mystery all by my little self was the key to long term success.

When my car needs the oil changed I take it to the garage.  Why?  Because they know all about the engine and I just know how to push the button to start it.  When my hair gets crazy I go visit my girl.  Why?  Because she can cut it without making me look like a rebellious preschooler.  So why in the world would I believe I can figure out the food without guidance?  I wouldn’t create theories about changing my oil and then try them to see what works.  After all I don’t like to get dirty and a car would be expensive to replace.  And I wouldn’t watch a YouTube video about cutting my own hair so I see if I could save a couple of dollars.  I mean I’m barely coordinated enough to blow it dry by myself let alone use a sharp object around my face and head!

So this morning I owned up to the fact that I obviously don’t know what the hell I’m doing when it comes to eating healthy.  Newsflash self ……you’re not a dietician.  I hired a trainer earlier this year when I admitted I didn’t know what the hell to do at the gym.  Now I’m strong and do crazy shit every week I never would have dreamed to try thanks to the trainer.  Now I’ll lean on the food plan so I can feel awesome and take control of this piece of the puzzle.

Day One is in the books and successful and I feel good.  On to Day Two.  Wish me luck.

Owning the Truth

It’s time to admit my eating is getting out of control.  Hopefully this public announcement can help me own up to it and get it under control before it gets worse.  The scale has been moving in the wrong direction for a long time.  I was definitely in denial and frustrated about how that could possibly be, but someone called me out on it and after a few weeks of being shocked they would say such a thing (the truth), I started looking at it with fresh eyes.  

Also, this week was a serious wakeup call!  I noticed I truly have no self control about food.  A coworker has been sweetening us up with Cowtails, a yummy little stick of candy goodness.  He’s bringing in a handful every day and I am unfortunately his first stop.  If he gives me 3, I eat 3.  If he gives me 1, I wish I had 5.  Mindlessly eating them one bite immediately after swallowing the last.  One day I noticed there was one left in the shared treat basket and I snatched it up like a starving bear.  I have no idea why I can’t keep them out of my mouth if they’re around.  At one point I thought if I just eat them all then I can be done with this.  But everyday more show up and it will always be something.  This really isn’t about the Coattails, it is about me. Last week it was birthday treats.  And on any given day it could be bagels, donuts, pizza, chips or any other treat someone wants to share.  I used to be able to say no, but not lately.  

At dinner with the girls I couldn’t stop eating the chips, salsa and queso.   I am sure I ate as much as my friends combined.  When my dinner came I was stuffed halfway through.  Did I stop?  NO WAY, it’s Mexican food, one of my favorites!  I slowed my pace so I could finish.  And as sick as I felt I still had a hard time resisting the chips and salsa that was left.  I felt so awful afterwards both physically and mentally.  That is when I recognized I was out of control again.  It took a massive stomach ache to wake me up.  

I have no idea what is triggering it.  At the same time I have been mindlessly eating I have also been stepping up my workouts.  This is probably the only reason I gained 3 pounds instead of 10.  I have been focused on variety in the workouts and creating a clear plan to get in more cardio.   

Is it stress eating?  Emotional eating?  Boredom?  Self sabotage?  Honestly, it could be any of those.  I’m grateful I recognized it and I’m aware.  For me awareness is half the battle.  Having a strategy to fix it is the other half.  So what is the strategy?  For now I’m going to try the same strategy I do with the workouts……PLANNING.  I need to have dinners planned and prepped.  Healthy options to keep me from straying when my days get chaotic.  I am going to do what I can to control my environment at home and work by having healthy options at my fingertips.  I have also found that tracking with good old pen and paper is very helpful.  It makes me be true to myself about what I’ve ate and opens my eyes to the not so great choices. 

Any other suggestions are welcome.  I’m feeling my way through this and figuring out as I go how to correct a lifetime of bad habits and self defeating thought processes.  

August Thoughts

August was fun in the sun.  Fruity alcohol filled beverages.  Naps.  A messy house.  Baseball games.  Irresponsible food choices.  Laughs with friends.   Short on gym visits.  Great conversations.  Long hours at work.  New friendships.  Pool time.  Great adventures.  Fun new experiences.  Challenging old beliefs.

What I lacked in weight loss I balanced in refusing to quit.  I have been heavy on sweets and the mindset of ‘why not’.  I have had break throughs in areas that make me question why I refused to consider the change before.  I only had nine workouts in the gym, but was reminded how much I love to walk outside.

This month I organized my fitness plan.  I increased my water intake.  I started tracking my food.  I am setting goals each week and tracking them.  I put tools in place to help me make sure I workout the number of times I want to.

August 28th is when I finally got a tan!  August was filled with love and gratitude.  August was a happiness I’ve been waiting for.  August was a warm kind of goodness.  August was learning, growing and exploring.

Losing is NOT the Only Way to Win

This is when I normally quit.  I hit a plateau and decide my body is most comfortable at this weight so I just give in and go with what I know.  What I know and what I am awesome at is junk food, TV, vegging out with my phone, reading or diving into a project so I have that to blame for the weight.

I have been at the same weight since April 2nd!  That is 145 DAYS Folks!!!  40% OF THE YEAR!!!   One Hell of a LONG Plateau!!  I am losing inches and I feel good.  I didn’t worry about the scale until the last month. Now it is in my head and has become an internal battle I am fighting.  Why isn’t it changing?  What am I missing?  I am working out 3 to 4 times a week.  My food is not perfect, but not horrible.  I’m constantly working on making better food choices, a vegetable each day, a fruit each day, no diet pop and other new mini habits. Last month my trainer tried to convince me it was the conversion to muscle.  This month she said I am lacking in cardio.  I don’t know what the right answer is and it can be a little overwhelming if I think too much about it.

The easiest thing to do would be to throw my hands in the air and go back to the things I know.  The consistently unhealthy life I have lived all these years.  But this time is different, this time I AM NOT GIVING UP!   The goal is to become healthy and I am in a much healthier state than 9 months ago so I’m not failing because the scale isn’t moving.  Is it frustrating?  OF COURSE!! But instead of giving up I am trying new strategies, working on building better habits and reminding myself this type of lifestyle change is NOT going to happen quickly.  Baby Steps Lead To Success!

In the past month when I’ve been most frustrated I’ve made some of the most helpful changes.    I’ve adjusted my workout time to eliminate the ability to make excuses and increase the likelihood of hitting my weekly targets.  I have added a vitamin that will help me with energy and replenishing what I am losing during workouts.  I am working on four mini habits to build the long-term healthy lifestyle.  I am Daring to try things I haven’t in order to experience the life I want.

So this is NOT when I’m going to Quit!!!  THIS IS WHEN I’M GOING TO FIND THE SMALL WINS and USE THEM TO CHANGE MY LIFE WHICH IS THE ULTIMATE VICTORY!!!  

I’m A Believer

Working out is fixing what ails me!  After a typical workout with my trainer I am feeling so much relief from the hip pain!!  All afternoon I hobbled around my office.  Three minutes before my session started I couldn’t stand with full weight on my left leg.  Once the workout started it slowly faded.  It didn’t go away completely during the workout, but as the night went on it has pretty much disappeared.

What a weird revelation to have working out make me feel so much better.  I can’t wait to work out tomorrow!

Gym Holds Cure To All Ailments

I’ve been battling a sore hip for about 2 weeks.  It’s extremely painful at times and has slowed me down.  At my training session this week my trainer did her best to show me how to use the foam roller even though I’m coordination challenged.  I actually fell off the thing!!  I laughed, but she was amazed.  The look on her face was priceless, somewhere between disbelief and pity.  I reminded her that I’m awkward sometimes.

Friday night into Saturday the pain was excruciating. When I woke up Saturday I was almost in tears and thought I’m going to have to break down and see a chiropractor.  So as you can imagine my second thought was to blow off the gym.  As I ate breakfast I started thinking about the possibility that some time on the elliptical and using the foam roller might help.  I figured if it started hurting worse I’d quit.

I set small goals on the elliptical, starting with 5 minutes, then 7, then 10, then 12, etc.  I eventually made it to 1 mile in about 16 minutes.  I was feeling ok while I was on the elliptical, but had some pain when I got off and walked.  I had the gym to myself so I decided to take some time and stretch using the foam roller and mats there.  I took about 30 minutes doing Yoga and the roller.  I FELT WONDERFUL AFTERWARDS!!!!

Can it be that the gym has a cure for everything?  I’m starting to be a true believer!  I am grateful that I didn’t lay around in misery all day and choose to try the one thing my old habits were screaming at me to avoid.

Some Adulting May Be Required

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks giving myself a little break from the workouts. I never stopped all together,  I even started a push-up challenge, and stayed conscious about my food choices, but only worked out twice in two weeks.  I also spent the last couple of weeks grappling with my guilt about it and over analyzing whether this was the beginning of my downhill slide.   Here are the results of my in depth over analysis.

Everything got really busy and overwhelming at once.  In the past couple of months I did a good job of keeping up with the workouts even when I was in the craziest time of the year at work and one of the busiest times as a Mom.  Through it all I stayed focused and still maintained three workouts a week.  What I neglected to maintain was my environment.  Everything was a mess at home and in my office.  That chaos was seriously affecting my mood and ability to keep up with everything.

As the environment got messier and messier I kept chanting to myself ‘Don’t give up on your priorities’, meaning working out and having fun time.  So for a couple of months I pushed on with those priorities.  I told myself the mess was not that important.  What I found is that to have true peace I needed to make my environment a priority too.  I took an hour or so at the office to obtain an organized mess, which makes me so much more productive.  I ordered a day planner to use for home and work combined so that I could cut down on the multiple places I was tracking my life.  I also spent the last couple of weeks working to put my house in order.

Is it all perfect now?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!  There are still rooms that require a shut door if anyone drops by.  The house has that lived in chic look that is all the rage in design magazines.  My office feels good to me, but I doubt anyone else feels like it is getting better.  But here’s the thing, the planner is helping, I don’t feel so overwhelmed, and I am no longer clenching my jaw 24/7.

Most important, I THINK I’ve learned my lesson.  I can’t be so singularly focused in my priorities that I don’t ‘adult’.  I need to factor in the foundation of my life so I can be successful in the rest of the building process.  Let’s face it, without clean clothes, clean dishes and some food in the house it’s hard to be the total package.  So I am going to be mindful of the environment, and try to create a balance that allows me to continue this journey and have some more of that summer fun I love so much.

 

Conversations With Friends

‘The true spirit of conversation consists in building on another man’s observations, not overturning it.’ ~Edward G Bulwer-Lyton

The other night I went to dinner with some of the girls. One of my friends (we’ll can her Uno) has been dieting and when I asked how much weight she’s lost Uno told me 40 pounds. FORTY POUNDS! Of course I’m dying to know the secret!!! Who wouldn’t? Uno said she’s drinking a shake in the morning, salad at lunch, whatever she wants for dinner and walking a mile a day. She also cut out pop completely and cut the sweets back.

We moved onto other topics, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Can I duplicate Uno’s success? Did she find the secret I’m looking for? She has always been much better at controlling the food than I have. We’ve known each other for over 20 years and I’ve seen her diet before completely sticking to whatever the food plan is. Uno is a beast at  willpower when I would instantly be thinking about modifying any diet and trying to find loop holes. I’ve spent weeks looking at different diets trying to figure out what is a good long term way of eating for me. Maybe it’s the shakes or supplements that I’ve been avoiding that are the key. I am in the process of trying the shakes, and I did eat a salad at lunch today. I doubt I can do that every day, I think salad is an acquired taste that I never acquired.

After coming home that night I got a message from one of my best friends (we’ll call her Dueces) to let me know she was in the hospital. She had some pains in her arm and shoulder earlier, but they are keeping her for ‘an unrelated heart issue’. I instantly call Bullshit!!! She had a heart attack and I knew it, but I played along with her denial and told her I’d be there the next day. When I stopped by to visit idle chit chat finally broke way to the HUGE RED ELEPHANT in the room and she ran through her numbers with me. The writing was on the wall and she admitted it was a heart attack……..at 41 years old.  The only thing she didn’t know was how bad.

When Dueces had the procedure we found out just how bad. SERIOUSLY BAD, definitely life threatening, like a heart attack isn’t anyway.  The future is a Vegetarian diet, several new prescriptions and some new internal hardware to help things flow. I asked Dueces if she saw any signs that she overlooked or wrote off and she says No. How does this happen? I’m torn between heartbreak, worry and confusion. It has certainly fueled my determination to get healthy and do all I can to support her to do the same. She doesn’t know it but I’m looking up recipes for her and designing a mini exercise plan. She’s going to love it! (typed with serious sarcasm)

Later in the weekend I was discussing all of this heart attack business with another friend (we’ll name this one Triple). Triple and I have struggled and are working to drop the weight and get healthy. We talked about all the times in the past people have tried to give us hints or maybe come straight out and tell us how unhealthy we were. We remembered the pain of hearing that information from someone. Should we be doing it to others when we see signs of bad habits that could lead to serious health risks? How do you have that conversation?

I confessed to Triple that I never would have suspected it in Dueces. She and I had many conversations about self care, eating better, doing some sort of exercise even if you’re having physical limitations. What we didn’t discuss is the effect of stress on our bodies. Both Dueces and I carry heavy loads in our work life, but we really just expect it of ourselves. Push through, carry on, girl power til the end and all that jazz. We’ve even recognized it to a degree in our self care discussions, but never really stop. FOOLS! This week I committed to myself to be out of work by 5pm and get to the gym a minimum to three times.  So far so good.  Dueces is home and I’m nagging her several times a day about food and stress.

Take a little from all the conversations you have, they all have a seed of perspective and you have room to grow.

Small Signs of Progress

I am finding little bits of inspiration when I least expect them and need them most.  Some days it truly is the little things that make all the difference.  I’ve been back and forth about the way my clothes fit.  Some days I think WOW and others I try on many things before I finally run out of time and just settle for something.

Today I was trying to find a T-shirt that would compliment the shoes I wanted to wear.  I realize this may be a little backwards in putting together an outfit, but it’s better if you don’t try to figure out how my logic works.  I pulled out a shirt I bought over a year ago.  I had never worn it.  I tried it on many times, unfortunately I didn’t when I bought it and the shirt was too tight when I got it home.  It’s been a depressing reminder all this time because it was a Women’s XXL and it was literally too tight to even be comfortable in let alone presentable for wearing in public.  I can’t tell you how many times I have tortured that shirt by trying to stretch it out so I could wear it!  I would do all the fat girl tricks I knew, but the shirt was just not big enough.  I knew it was the perfect colors and theme for today, so I grabbed it for another try and today was a WOW day!!  It fit great and looked good too!  I can’t believe I forgot to take a pic of me in it!

It was not a good food day.  AGAIN.  I had a bratwurst and pasta salad at a grad party, candy and Pepsi at the movies and topped it off with a giant burger and fries at dinner, also more Pepsi.  But a friend reminded me that the scale Not moving isn’t all that bad considering I admittedly hadn’t been on top of my game with the food or exercise over the past couple of weeks.  I don’t want to accept excuses, but this is true it could be a lot worse and I could have put on weight considering how I’ve been eating.  So I’m turning the pity party into a bit of inspiration since I don’t have to recover back to a starting point.  I just have to move forward.

These small signs of progress are giving me hope that I’m headed in the right direction and truly am moving forward!  Am I looking for the inspiration…..Maybe, but it wasn’t very hard to find.

Gotta get my shit together

I know you’ve heard this from me lately, it’s been a hectic stressful couple of weeks!  You’ve probably heard it enough that you’re starting to think ‘here we go with the excuses’, and honestly I agree with you.  My food is not under control, my workouts are down and the scale is not moving!  I think the inches have stopped moving too, but I’m afraid to check.

I NEED A PLAN!!!

I tend to be a pretty organized person.  Always some sort of idea about what needs done and a plan to make it happen.  I had been that way with the gym, 4 times a week, once with a trainer, a couple of classes and a solo that has some cardio.  Work it in on weeknights so my weekends are chill and I have time for Fun.  I had that rocking for a month or so.  Now I’ve made it twice the last couple of weeks, which is HALF the visits in my goal.  I should be exceeding this goal, not missing it!!

So far a plan for the food has not happened.  Well mostly not happened.  I can figure out breakfast and generally stick to it.  Although as I write this I am remembering the impulse donut yesterday.  Donuts aren’t even my thing for crying out loud, but someone sat a huge box in front of me and I wasn’t able to fight the urge.  Ugh!  In my defense it was really thick and cooked just right so it was fluffy…….mmmmmm……SQUIRREL!  Normally though when I’m in my office and I have prepared at home I can keep breakfast pretty healthy and it’s the one area I am doing good at.  After about 10:30am though it’s all kinds of off course until I go to bed!

Here’s where I’m stuck about the food.  I want to develop a way of eating that will work for me long-term.  I have done some diet plans and stuck to them with some success……for a few months, but not long-term.  I want something that satisfies me, is manageable and I can implement for the rest of my life.  When I say it like that it sounds like some grand vision, but I really believe that’s possible.  I’ve looked into ‘clean eating’ a little.  I don’t think that will fit my lifestyle over the long haul.  I am pretty opposed to Atkins or Keto, unless you can sway me with a well formulated argument.  So now what? I need ideas people!!

Also, (but I planned to discuss this on another post) I am thinking about supplements or some sort of fat burning helper.  I know a lot of people use them and it may be something I should finally consider.

Information, opinions, ideas, general comments……….And GO!