Proud

This has possibly been the most emotional and stressful two weeks of my life.  There have been many stressful times before (I am certainly not living a Disney fairytale),  but lately I’ve worried more than I can ever remember.  My youngest son was in his senior year of high school, a time of stress and emotion for most Moms, but his graduation was not guaranteed.  I was in the trenches with him every day, developing strategies, making calls and sending emails to teachers and administrators, pushing toward the finish line.  

I’ve always felt that being a single Mom has it perks.  I don’t have to discuss a rule change (for my house) with anyone, which means I can use my own logic.  I don’t have to split my time between my son and a partner, which led to a spoiled son. We didn’t have to worry about anyone but the two of us when making decisions, this was great when it was time for fun stuff and vacations.  There were of course challenges too. I had to be the bad cop, sometimes a lot. It required awkward and frequently frustrating conversations with his Dad. It also meant that I was solo for nearly every event.

Recently I went to an appointment at a high school about 30 miles away. As I was coming down the street I had a flashback of driving there for football and basketball scrimmages. This triggered a wave of emotion thinking about all of the things I went to Alone.  I traveled solo with my Mom supply bag and stadium chair ready to go. I would carry all of my stuff, pay my own way in, get a Diet Mtn Dew and some sort of snack and then make my way to the stands to hopefully find an open spot near someone ‘good’. If not I’d find an obscure seat on the fringe. Being on my own in this way left a crushing void sometimes.  I spent 4 years dedicated to whatever he was doing, always there to cheer him and the team on. I also spent those 4 years reconciling that it was ok to be there alone and that I didn’t need someone by my side to enjoy the experience. Afterwards I’d find him, get a hug and give him some sort of positive message. He always made sure to hug me, indulged me with a selfie, and never worried about being embarrassed. He always made me proud for his effort and dedication. It was our thing, what we did.

Today I made that final drive, alone.  I left the Mom supply bag at home, but was armed with kleenex.  I walked in head held high because we almost didn’t make it……but WE DID!  Afterwards I found him and got a big hug, but this time we had a full on photo session outside with family.   The picture of the two of us brings me the most joy and makes me PROUD.

I am obviously Proud of Him for getting to the finish line and winning the race.  Graduating is a huge win! He is a great kid that is so smart he doesn’t want to follow the guidelines of standardized education.  It took him until the second half of his senior year to realize that sometimes you have to play the game so you can stop playing the game and move onto something else.  But there he is handsome in his cap and gown because he put in the work.

I am also Proud of Myself when I look at this picture.  Although I am nowhere near my goals I still feel great.  My clothes fit better and I look much better than a year ago.  Also, throughout this very stressful couple of weeks I had 2 trainer sessions and 4 HIIT class workouts plus a solo workout.  I have quit Diet Mtn Dew and drink over 40 oz of water a day, even on stressful days like today. And even though I had a piece of graduation cake today, I drank a water with it.  A little give and take. I am proud of myself for not putting aside what is important to me because of the stress and chaos going on in my world.   

 

The Weekly 05.21.18

I decided to do a weekly update. I’m thinking of it like my weekly time capsule. A place I can note challenges, accomplishments and a breakdown of workouts. I plan to do this on Sundays, but didn’t want to wait a week to start.

CHALLENGES

This week’s challenge was all about emotion. It’s been an extremely stressful time for me on a personal level. Add in that we’re in the busiest time of our year at work, oh and I’ve had some great things happen personally too. The result is a roller coaster of stress and emotions. Through it all I made it to the gym three times and only had small missteps with eating. I stayed gummy free all week!

ACCOMPLISHMENTS

I turned down ice cream several times. I also choose water and fruit as a gas station snack during a hectic day while I was mostly on the go and away from the office. For me these are major accomplishments!

Also, I bought a sleeveless dress to wear to my son’s graduation. I’m a bit nervous about how I’ll look, but I decided I’m going to ROCK IT!!!

WORKOUTS

30 minutes with the trainer doing strength and super sets.

BOOM class twice. 30 minutes each. Monday was the most difficult class I’ve had. But I think it would’ve been a lot easier without the personal stuff in my head. After that day I went in with a different attitude and had much better workouts.

MEME OF THE WEEK

This quote is a good representation of how I need to keep myself grounded.

Looking forward to seeing the butterfly!!

Mother’s Day Epiphanies

Today was a beautiful day of smiles.  Nothing spectacular happened, but I had a good day.  I am a Mother to two sons and a Mimi to two grandsons.  Motherhood is possibly  the most rewarding and frustrating role in the history of mankind.  I would never change it, but it’s so unbelievably hard sometimes.  The emotions, the work, the times you want to fix ‘it’ and can’t.

The lead up to Mother’s Day has been a pretty stressful one on the Mom front.  Both of my boys have caused me to be totally unbearable at times and caused my blood pressure to be out of control.  I think this is possibly part of the reason the scale is stuck.  I know that sounds like an excuse, but I really do believe it’s playing a part.

My youngest son is about to graduate high school so I have been spending time going through pictures to prepare for his party in a few weeks.  Of course I found many pictures of him that made me smile, but I also found lots of me that caused a different reaction.  I found myself saying ‘Wow’ or ‘Oh’ or ‘How did I not see this?’, it was eye opening.  There are some pictures I literally cringed at.  I ultimately came away from the afternoon with a realization that I have been overweight for ALL of my adult life.

All the reminiscing made me think about what I missed during their childhoods by being overweight.  How many times did I skip doing activities with them so I could be physically lazy.  What did I miss doing with them because I knew I wasn’t capable and wouldn’t even try?  Even though I know I did a lot with them, it makes me sad and upset to think about how different their lives could have been if I took better care of myself.

The new me will be able to do adventures with my sons as adults.  I already have plans for kayak trips, hikes, exploring cities and many other things.  As for the grandsons I am looking forward to having the energy to do things with them and be an active part of their lives.  There are probably thousands of articles that talk about the sacrifice of motherhood, but if you sacrifice your health you are taking away your ability to really be there for your children.

Tomorrow is a new week.  Four more workouts to get in and maybe an extra day for cardio.  I am truly stronger every day!!!!

 

What just happened?

Today I had my weekly 30 minute session with the personal trainer. It was INTENSE! I never say no and she is definitely pushing me. Which is the way it should be, the way I want it……Right? We did the ISO Hammer Row, walking lunges, pushups, curl press, and two twisted pieces of torture I thought she may have made up. One she called ‘Plank Jacks’ which I told her I was going to Google and Yep it’s a real thing. Can you say increased heart rate? The other was jumping squats, you know because squats aren’t hard enough without blending two together with jumps in between and ‘MAM please do them in a fluid motion without stopping’. They were by far the toughest thing I’ve done.

I actually had sweat rolling off of me, and probably some steam. There was a point when I actually thought I might get sick. When I was done I was a wreck. I was shaky and drug myself to the car. I was also so emotional. On the verge of bawling kind of emotional. I’m not the girl that cries and gets upset, so feeling that way messes with me. Is this what happens in all those inspirational workout videos where you push yourself and find a strength you didn’t know you had but it breaks you down? I always thought they were crying over physical pain, not because they connected with some deep emotions.

I will admit the stress in my personal life over the past week has been at level red. What I need to know is if this happens regularly or if it’s a release of the stress? Do I need to prepare to feel this after every intense workout?

Never fear, I came home, showered (obviously), ate, and spent some time sitting outside to get my mind right and my shit together. I’m back to me, but a stronger me. I mean seriously that was an Intense workout and I DID IT!! I never even thought about quitting or saying No!

Stronger Every Day

Let’s Get Up To Speed On This Journey!

Sooooo…..in early February I started my session with the Trainer.  Of course I’m old enough to be her Mom.  She’s super fit and thin and clueless about a Middle Aged Mom (MAM) who is in boss mode 24/7.  We didn’t necessarily hit it off.  BUT in her cluelessness about ‘who I am’ she doesn’t seem to realize that I’m not capable of doing some of those exercises and gives them to me anyway. And Damn if I could do it!!!  No Way……is she right?  In one of the early sessions she actually said ‘Wow your plank is great!’ and with such genuine surprise that I knew she meant it.  I took that as a compliment.  I pay her to compliment me, but when it’s genuine it is much better.  Another compliment she gives is when she can literally see (because my face is completely red) I am working hard so she cuts back my last circuit.  I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want to deal with the paperwork required when the MAM has to be taken out on a stretcher.

 

On the first day of training I got the special privilege of being weighed AND measured, plus subjected to a Body Fat Percentage device that somehow magically tells your percentage of body fat when you hold it in front of you for 10 seconds.  I have no clue how what looks like a Playstation control knows this, but I couldn’t really argue the results.  I was pretty happy it was under 50%.  How sad is that for a goal?  Chanting ‘Please don’t be over 50’ in your head while waiting on the number to pop up.  It was 43.6%, definitely nothing to brag about.

 

I set my trainer times at once every three weeks and she gave me circuits to use in between.  I clocked 12 visits in February and only 6 in March thanks to an awful round of the flu (AGAIN).  The good news is that I was so sick I lost weight, not what my original plan was, but I’ll take it. I could definitely tell I was getting stronger and my workouts were getting easier each time.  When she did the weights and measurements the second time at the beginning of April I lost 11 pounds and over 10 inches!!! AND…..2% on my Body Fat Percentage!!   Holy Cow Batman!!  I quickly told them it was the illness that caused the weight, they quickly said I wouldn’t lose those inches without work.  They asked me to give a trainer testimonial and I gladly did.

 

Seeing the results and the fast approach of summer fueled my motivation for April.  I was starting to feel the difference in the way my clothes fit and also noticed a difference in the way I felt.  That’s also when I started thinking about this blog to share the ups and downs of this journey.  I began forming the concept in my mind and jotting down notes on my workouts and some thoughts I had.  My gym visits increased to 18 for April and my confidence in what I’m capable of is increasing also.

 

Random Thoughts I Wrote Down in April

April 15th(ish)

While listening to Gretchen Rubin’s book Better than Before I started to wonder about the ability to have fixed habits while living a not so fixed life.  Should the workouts be on a fixed schedule or do I need to make sure I’m flexible in when I get there to match the rest of my life.  In March I tried moving my workout times around so I could come home, eat, do my normal household chore kind of stuff and then go to the gym after 8:00pm.  I did that for a week and it didn’t really work for me.  Making the workouts fixed seems like (in my mind) I’m making them a priority.

 

April 23rd

Went to my first Boom class.  I’ve avoided fitness in groups since high school.  But it was actually Fun!  Yes F U N!!  There was a mix of ages and even those I thought would be able to do the circuits with ease struggled here and there so I felt better about me.  They encouraged me, I encouraged them and we did high fives at the end.  Go Girl Power!  I walked out dripping with sweat, steamed up the car windows, but smiling.  I plan to do all the Free sessions offered until April 30th.

 

April 24th

Worked out with the trainer today.  As usual she didn’t read the MAM manual and had me do crazy stuff like BURPEES!!!  Going to feel that tomorrow, but love the mental aspect of knowing I did it.

 

April 26th

Today was a really tough day mentally.  I’m not exactly sure why, I couldn’t put my finger on it.  I got to the gym for a class that I thought was at 6pm and found out it was at 5:30pm and I missed it.  I had to really push to make myself stay for the Boom class at 6:30pm, but I knew I needed the class to help cure this funk I’m in.  I started on the bike and it genuinely hurt, I don’t know if it was mental or truly physical.  Feeling a little WTF about it, the bike is supposed to be the easiest.  I moved to the treadmill and trudged through about 15 minutes before the class.  I have to decide whether to pay for the classes since the free trial expires on the 30th.  Should I stop the individual sessions and only do Boom or do both.  If money were not an object I’d do both.  So my Badass books would say to manifest the money.  Working on that now!  🙂

 

April 27th

As I was getting dressed today I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I SWEAR I SAW MUSCLES ON MY BACK!!!  I need to figure out how to see my back and if this is true or just a hoax.

 

April 30th

Today was the perfect storm to force me into making a decision about my training stuff.  It is the last day of promo pricing for Boom, and oddly enough I really like the class.  Also tomorrow is my final paid session with the trainer.  I spent all afternoon trying to figure out what I should do, it’s a lot of cash to spend each month.  I don’t typically spend like that on myself.  Of course all the blogs/podcasts/self improvement books/pinterest quotes/motivation sites on Instagram and Facebook say that I have to start by loving me and investing in me.  They obviously don’t donate to the cause though.  I got some amounts to ponder and told my trainer and the manager I’d catch up with them after the class tonight to figure out my level of commitment.  I know that I have to increase my level of commitment if I’m going to see the results I want.  This place I’m at now I’ve been at several times in the last five years and this is where I block myself.  I start in with the you look good, a size 8 is not everything and this is beauty too, how long can you maintain this, is this really your lifestyle.  This time I recognize it and told myself to zip it!  I wonder how strong I can be and what another 30lbs off looks like.  So I paid for the class and increased my trainer time to once a week!  Best of all I walked out with zero guilt.  My tentative weekly plan is class twice, trainer once and on my own once.  This leaves 3 days a week of chill which is plenty.  Also, tonight I learned that regular burpees are easy compared to Box Jump Burpees!!

 

April in Summary

April is when I committed.  I’m seeing a difference in the inches and that’s great, but the scale is NOT moving at all.  In May I have to figure out food.

This Is Where My Story Begins

I always LOVE looking at all those awesome before and after pictures and reading the success stories that go with them.  Typically they’re written/posted/published/praised at that moment in time when the success happens.  What about the journey?  The story published with the moment of success may hint at the battles, but glosses over all the hard stuff in the middle.  So I thought I’m going to share the day in and day out grind of this.  All the battles.  The many times when I don’t want to eat right.  The times when I’d rather veg out than go to the gym.  The times I want that big fat juicy cheeseburger and pickle fries with ranch on the side.  The times when the scale doesn’t show the hard work.  So here I am sharing it, if for nothing else so I can read this and remember the journey.

‘The Beginning’ of my battle with weight and unhealthy habits started almost 30 years ago, and honestly probably since I was much younger.  My metabolism started losing the battle right after I graduated high school (almost 30 years ago….sigh).  I worked a full-time job and went to college full-time.  My days would start at 6:30am and when I finally got home at 10:30pm I would order a pizza or pick up fast food to devour it before I crashed and then start all over again in the morning.  I probably don’t need to tell you how that turned out.

In ‘The Middle’ I was married, had two boys, got a Bachelor’s degree, then a Masters, worked hard for promotions, volunteered, ran a business while working my corporate job and did everything but take care of myself.  Sometime in there I started to realize I needed to lead a healthier life, but I was in a relationship with someone that could eat, drink, be merry and Never (I mean Never) needed to be active and was still thin.  I got gym memberships, used the treadmill and maybe got brave and hopped on a weight machine when no one was looking.  I had NO CLUE what I was doing.  I would workout (and I use that term loosely) a couple times a week, but never gain ground because my eating habits didn’t change.  I felt better, but didn’t See results so I’d eventually decide I was too busy to keep it up.  If I couldn’t be healthy and happy with my body, I would be happy with my mind and efforts in other areas of my life.  Ultimately trying to over compensate for the weight with brains.

During my ‘Starting Over’ period I got divorced and started working on me.  That was four and a half years ago.  I found Weight Watchers and that helped a lot.  I dropped 20lbs several times by tracking my food.  Sometimes I would gain it all back, sometimes just 10lbs, at least once more than 20lbs.  I would describe my gym habits as ‘meh’ and when I look back I now know I wasn’t doing what I should. But at least this time I saw results, and got a glimpse that I wasn’t too old to have hope.  But as always I had my hands full with figuring out how to handle everything on my own and do some true adulting.  Sooooo needless to say there was again a period where I deemed myself ‘just too busy’.

Fast forward to ‘The Now’ and THIS IS WHERE MY STORY BEGINS……… While I was ‘just too busy’ during Starting Over, I did begin a journey to improve in knowledge and spirit.  I learned how to make the most of my time by listening to Podcasts and audiobooks.  This has been key in putting me where I am. This is part of getting my mind right.  I spend a lot of time listening to information about how to self improve and the value of self care, and guess what…it kinda works.

One of the things that helped me make a real change is the opening of a new gym in my tiny little town out here in the heartland.  The gym I was a member of and never making it to was 20 miles away (25 minutes because that’s how we measure distance here) and the distance/time was a constant excuse for me.  One day in December I saw their signs ‘coming soon’ and thought hmmmm that’s interesting.  I filled out the want more info section on the website and when the day came to meet him and get signed up I was so sick I wanted to cancel, but I drug my coughing carcass to the meeting to hear the sales pitch.  For some reason I stopped him before he really started,  maybe the cold had gone to my head, but I knew it didn’t matter how much or all the wonderful equipment and reasons why this gym was the bomb it was where I was supposed to be.   Unfortunately I stayed sick so it took me almost a month and several doctor visits to get started.  But I did start and that’s the important part.

Then these crazy people at the gym said ‘Hey do you want to try working with a personal trainer?’.  Ummmmm…..have you seen me?  During this particular sales pitch he asks me what my goals are in each area of my body.  Awkward. I didn’t have a clue what a reasonable or stretch goal should even be. When he got to abs I said ‘sure I’d like to have an ab’.  Wish I could share the look on his face.  Of course the first session was free and something in me knew that I needed this, I was still in treadmill/weight machine mode and going nowhere fast so why not try it.  I would honest to God leave the gym without ever sweating!  I kept telling myself it was ok this was just a quirk of being me, it’s like a special gift.  It wasn’t, I know now I am totally capable of sweating and do it on the regular.